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Author: Bartleby

I’m used to it

I’m used to it

I’m used to the hurt and the disappointment.
I’m used to being alone with this.
I’m used to having had enough.
I’m used to walking down the street, trying to yell the hurt out.
You make a deep gutteral bellow yell from inside the pocket of your gut out through all of you.
It is like a shockwave with a moment of peace after the emanation.
Stand up straight!
Chest out!
Head up!
Pull the light in at your shoulders, head, neck, chest, back, naval, everywhere.
Move free and easy, limbs flowing like water.
Fill up with light!
I’m trying, I’m trying.
But if there was just someone who would hear me out. Who would have the space to let what I know is true be true.
Yeah yeah, sure sure.
I’m not a baby.
The hurt is getting worse.
I’m not crazy.
It is from way back and is lodged in way deep.
It is too much.
I need help.
I’ve been disappointed when I’ve tried to be real.

BW / AMW

A New, Improved Manhattan Project: Pt 3: Some Tips for the geniuses

A New, Improved Manhattan Project: Pt 3: Some Tips for the geniuses

[Anti-Weapon / New Manhattan Project]

The wisdom meme must immediately compel all consciousnesses into full awareness of the Truth and bind them permanently to that wider perspective. Or, since permanence is not achievable in this flibertygibbetting realm, continuously reintroduce our consciousnesses to the Truth (create a pattern of continual expansion out into the Truth, contraction back into human thinking/feeling, expansion … ) .

We’ll leave the heavy lifting to our team of towering intellectual, emotional, and spiritual figures. However, the Proposal Committee (PC — an unintended acropun) feels both empowered and obligated to sketch out the obvious outlines of this, the most critical endeavor in human history (as it will decide whether human history ends soonish and horrifyingly or sprawls out into another million years of good, clean, wholesome fun in reasonably great and reasonably humble wisdom).

Basically, we want to make sure that everyone who hears the message is immediately and irrevocably enlightened — experiences and maintains a direct connection with the Truth so that their feelings, notions, and ideas cannot help but adequately interpret and follow the Truth. Also, we want to make sure that we find a way to write the message in a form (holy grail!) or forms (beggars can’t be choosers) that everyone on the planet can understand.

What is enlightenment? Completely knowing, understanding, and following the Truth. It is letting the Truth overtake your being, so that — devoid of the corruptions that flow from putting some mythic self ahead of the only aspect of your experience that actually knows what is going on and what matters (aka: the Truth shining through all things, including your own conscious moment) — you become a perfect conduit for the Truth and It flows through and completely captains your experiences, guiding you towards the best possible ways of feeling, thinking, speaking, and acting.

Is enlightenment possible? Probably not, at least in this earthenware realm, as that final irrevocable perfection above described. However, enlightenment is possible as ever-increasing progress towards that goal.

[At this point, we sprawled out for a couple paragraphs working our “enlightenment in a calculus-sense” theory. The editor felt it best to send that song and dance across the deep blue sea: Outtakes!. (I don’t know why.) Ditto for the long AA speech that had me on my knees for a God of my understanding: Outtakes!. (Who knows why?! Editors have too much power. [Editor’s Note: No we don’t. We need more power and way more glory!])]

Provocation: There’s no proof adequate progress towards enlightenment is impossible, and many examples both within one’s conscious moment and demonstrated by others give us reason to believe that wisdom is real and possible. We all have some inborn sense that what is most real is an infinite all-pervading flawless loving kindness, and that we can, by following our inborn push for clear, honest, joyful exploration, creation, and sharing, grow this inborn knowledge. We cannot prove this sense of things false. And the testimony of many gentle and effective souls suggests that sense of things is onto something.

Cautionary: In order to head-off our human tendency to call every fool notion that whims its way into our minds a “great insight”, and listening not to me but to what is common to all, it is best we agree that wisdom is the opposite of dishonest, greedy, hateful, ignorant, confused, desperate, or incompetent: wisdom is generous, kind, knowing, clear-sighted, joyfully capable. While wisdom is to some degree an inner and thus invisible process, we can to an appreciable degree perceive the fruits of wisdom and folly: wisdom is kind, helpful, competent; it has space for gentleness, generosity, for other people, for clear honest conversation and action; folly is closed-off, shut-down, scared, desperate, greedy, angry, mean, confused and confusing.

Anyway: I think by now it’s clear to us all that we need to be ever-more overtaken by and constantly reimagined within the kind of wisdom that realizes “we are all in this together and should treat ourselves and others kindly” is a more fundamental Truth than all this loose talk we keep talking. And we need it fast.

Generally, seekers are counseled to keep working on whole-being-wisdom (organizing their ideas and feelings around the inner Light), using the standard means: meditating, praying, working alone and with others to better and better grasp and live/unpack the inner Light that Knows we are all in this together: to better and better keep the sense within that knows how life matters ahead of ideas and feelings about how life does or doesn’t matter. (Otherwise the longing to feel and think that one is living meaningfully often seduces one away from the source of meaning: that inner Light prior to all feelings and ideas; the Light Knows/Is what ideas and feelings can only have inklings of.)

We all are some degree mystical seekers. We are all trying to primarily follow not our ideas and feelings, which we know we don’t ever quite fathom or even care about, but to chase to the end that sense within that knows that some ways of thinking and acting are truly better than others. So the counsel “keep up the wisdom practice!” applies to all of us.

However, consequent the gargantuan of our weapons and fragility of our individual and collective existences, we can no longer afford to bumble along with our weak-kneed, half-ass, “I’m doing the best I can!; so busy!” spiritual efforts. Wisdom is needed now: the knowledge and understanding of the True Good must be shored up in each individual conscious experience ASAP! Otherwise, we’re going to break everything to pieces and so won’t be able to work effectively on any human project, including wisdom.

The wisdom meme must make our conscious experiences directly experience the True Good shining within and through, while still allowing our ideas and feelings to be present and to irrevocably learn the correct rhythm/sense-of-things/vision. Maybe a thunderclap jolt that silences all our ideas and feelings, setting us straight into awareness of what is leftover in our experience when ideas and feelings hush up — which we’re here assuming is the Truth — and then a gradual, controlled slide back into thinking with ideas and feelings. But once won’t be enough — not if we’re going to make the wisdom meme fool-proof. So let’s build a meme that constantly submerges each human conscious moment nakedly into the Truth, followed by a gradual, studious fade into more mundane thought, over and over again every day. It would be analogous to Plato’s philosopher kings and queens as they studied the Form of the Good and then translated their discoveries into practical thoughts. Only it would be the opposite of esoteric or elitist: the wisdom meme must be not only available for all, but blessedly unavoidable for all.

That is what the wisdom meme is to achieve.

Get to it team!

…..

But a wisdom meme is not possible! Not really. And so much trouble has been created by memes that pose as wisdom memes! So this joke is ill-advised? Oh, just let us make the occasional joke !

The Discouraged Signers (yes!, the same gawking gaggle who’d signed the first two sections of this capsized treaty with so much élan and optimism)

PS (they mumbled sleepily into the flat wooden desk that supports their forearms, which in turn support their foreheads):

What about finding some way to induce the enlightened state? And so we speak again of a sort of Pure Love inducing pill, machine, soundtrack, or etc.

What is the right balance between waiting to be wise before acting versus doing the best with what you can in order to help here and now and as part of the work of becoming wiser? What is the right balance between being fun and free and creative and living and doing and exploring and frolicking versus the discipline of spiritual practice?

Ah Bartleby, ah humanity!

….

You know what would be a step in the right direction?
A media campaign that taught critical thinking skills and stressed the importance of clarity, honesty, decency and kindness in thought and action. We could give people tools to push back on the constant flux of memes. We could make it a fun game we can all play all the time: always striving for more clarity, honesty, decency and kindness. It’s not a panacea, but it might help us as individuals, interwoven overlapping groups, and as a whole get more traction in our thoughts and actions.
…..

If you like our essaying, First Essays has a lot of essays.
And of that lot, A Readable Reader has a selection of the most readable ones.

We’d love it if you’d
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[Anti-Weapon / New Manhattan Project]

[NYC Journal – Politics Page]

[Something Deeperism Institute]

[NYC Journal]

From Before:
Stop! I posted this Sunday April 10 and it is now a bit later on the same day and I am realizing it isn’t even close to readable. I’ll work on it tonight. Update at 6:46pm: Getting better. I’ll work on it tomorrow. Update: 3:22 on Monday: Maybe it is mostly readable now. I will work on it tonight or tomorrow.

From A New, Improved Manhattan Project: Part 2: The Proposal:

But how? How to come up with a phrase or sentence or two that cuts the reader or listener in half, slicing straight through all the blah blah blah and forcing their conscious mind to fully experience the Truth within–that deepest widest sense-of-things that lines the back of a person’s thought, gradually building up on the back of their thought like slowly developing film gathering more and more light. While most people do get wiser as they get older, we don’t tend to ever get nearly wise enough, and our youths are often full of dangerous folly. So we need something that works exceedingly fast. However, it must also be perfectly safe–a problem with quick revelations is that they may be partial but the violence of speedy insights tempts one to believe them complete, which can help unwise impulses do what they love to do: co-opt bits of goodness and wisdom, mix them up in a confusion cocktail, and use them to justify and aggrandize wrong-headedness. The wisdom meme must immediately compel consciousness’s into full awareness of the Truth in a way that binds them permanently to that wider perspective.

……

We’ll leave the heavy lifting to the hand-picked team of towering intellectual, emotional, and spiritual figures. However, the Proposal Committee (PC–an unintended acropun) feels both empowered and obligated to sketch out the obvious outlines of this, the most critical endeavor in human history (because it may decide whether human history ends soonish and horrifyingly or sprawls out into another million years of good, clean, wholesome fun in grand wisdom).

Basically, we want to make sure that everyone who hears the message is immediately and irrevocably enlightened–experiences and maintains a direct connection with the Truth so that their feelings, notions, and ideas cannot help but adequately interpret and follow the Truth. Also, we want to make sure that we find a way to write the message in a form (holy grail!) or forms (beggars can’t be choosers) that everyone on the planet can understand.

Beyond the obvious suggestion that the New Manhattan Project (NMP) hire linguistically and culturally sensitive translators, the Proposal Committee currently can’t think what to say about making a fool-proof wisdom-meme. But we can present a little philosophical background to give the geniuses an idea of what we’re looking for:

Something Deeperism is the philosophical attitude that there is a Truth deeper than ideas and feelings, so ideas and feelings cannot relate with scientific/literal-precision, -clarity, and -certainty to the Truth; but since the Truth is within each person’s conscious experience along with ideas and feelings the Truth can, under the right circumstances, explain Itself to her/his ideas and feelings well enough to allow her/his thought-as-a-whole to correctly believe that s/he is living in and through the Truth.

Something Deeperism avoids the extremes of systematic skepticism/sciencism (sciencism = believing that reality is nothing more than our current scientific hypothesis about the material world–a belief underpinned by skepticism) and of fundamentalist religions. Radical skepticism/sciencism is a self-refuting philosophy because there’s no point doubting anything unless some thought-paths should actually be preferred over others, and that implies that something actually matters and we can and should consciously work to think and act in accordance with that something. Fundamentalist religion is defined here as religious attitudes that put faith in dogmas/practices over faith in the sense of True Joy and Love that makes it clear that life is meaningful and that it matters what we do. That definition demonstrates both the difficulty of pinpointing exactly how fundamentalist someone is being (since we cannot see our own thoughts and feelings perfectly, and others even less well) and the self-refuting nature of fundamentalism (since it is counterproductive to follow ideas about why life is meaningful if those ideas are cutting you off from your deeper sense about how and why life is meaningful). Taken together, the black-box nature of individual spiritual lives and the self-defeat of fundamentalist thought add up to this conclusion: People of all faiths must constantly work to make sure their faith is not undermining itself; ie: that we are not putting more emphasis on ideas and feelings than on that deeper sense that informs us that clarity and honesty and decency in thought and feeling matter because what we think and do matters and because pushing for ever more clarity, honesty, and decency as well as that ineffable element within our sense of “life actually matters” will help us move towards better ways of thinking and acting (all this information is part of an inner sense of things that we cannot perfectly catch with words, but that words can still point towards; we claim here two things about this sense: experientially, we sense it as more true and fundamental than any doubts we might have about it; and logically if we don’t assume it, all our thoughts are self-defeating because our thought has no possible way to choose one thought over another unless it accepts this sense-of-things).

Of course, both systematic skepticism/sciencism and Something Deeperism are faiths (aka: irreducibles–general epistemological/metaphysical stances that cannot be justified in thought that is only intellectual and/or emotional). They are therefore liable to the same pitfalls of typical religions. While systematic sciencism seems a lost cause and Something Deeperism a possibility, Something Deeperists still face this problem, the problem of all faiths: people are more inclined to consider themselves wise than they are inclined to constantly push for inner honesty.

Generally, the Something Deeperist is counseled to just keep working on whole-being-wisdom (using the standard means: meditating, praying, working alone and with others to better and better grasp and live/unpack the insight that it actually matters what we say and do) and to keep asking him-/her-self if they are keeping their sense that life matters ahead of their attempt to live meaningfully. But some degree Something Deeperists (we all, when it comes right down to it, are trying to follow not our ideas and feelings, which we know we don’t ever quite fathom or even care about, but to chase to the end that sense within that knows that some ways of thinking and acting are better than others), so that counsel applies to all of us. But because of the grandeur of our weapons and the fragility of our individual and collective existences, I am not confident that we can afford to bumble along any longer. Wisdom is needed now–Something Deeperism in each individual conscious experience must be shored up ASAP!

The wisdom meme will have to get us to directly experience that aspect of thought that has direct contact with the Truth while still allowing our ideas and feelings to be present and to irrevocably learn the correct rhythm/sense-of-things/vision. Maybe a thunderclap jolt that silences all our ideas and feelings and sets us therefore straight into awareness of what is leftover in our experience when ideas and feelings hush up–which we’re assuming is the Truth–and then a gradual, controlled slide back to thinking with ideas and feelings. But once might not be enough–not if we’re going to make the wisdom meme fool-proof. So let’s have the meme make it so that one can’t help experiencing the Truth followed by a gradual, studious fade into more mundane thought over and over again every day. It would be analogous to Plato’s philosopher kings and queens as they studied the Form of the Good and then translated their discoveries into practical thoughts.

That is what the wisdom meme is to achieve, so get to it team!

[Note about a point bothering me from above: While an individual’s spiritual life is inner and thus a black-box, that doesn’t mean that other individuals can’t have insight into the spiritual attainment of others. We are all fundamentally the same (try to doubt that and see how much sense your thought makes to you–it was created by learning from others; I submit that the philosophical zombie puzzle is self-defeating because if other people are not basically like you are, your reality is so unlike anything you can fathom or care about that from a practical point of view the puzzle is just meaningless jabber jaw to you). And we learn to speak and think by interacting with others. We learn concepts like “ouch” and “pain” and “hooray” and “delight” through empathy with others–through assuming that they are like we are and feeling along with them while they use language. Therefore, just as we can to some degree understand what others are talking about when they talk about their feelings and we can, by becoming more self-aware and empathic get better at telling how well others are understanding and describing their own feelings; we should be able, through the same process plus spiritual growth, be able to get better and better at telling how well others are understanding and describing their own spiritual experiences. The point is just that we can’t say for sure. Also, since spiritual attainment is not objectively verifiable and misattributing spiritual attainment in oneself and others is a cause of terrible corruptions, it is best to do as we try to do with our US constitution and keep religion and government separate. That doesn’t mean people shouldn’t vote their conscious or that their religious experiences shouldn’t influence their conscious. It just means that in government, we should remember that we should keep our eye on what the politicians are actually doing and proposing to do because those are things that we as a group can effectively monitor and discuss. We the people have a limited amount of time, energy, and focus; let’s keep our eye on the ball: acting as a last check against political corruption and idiocy. There is a parallel between effective Something Deeperism in an individual and effective group organization: in both cases the enemy is pretending to know more or less than you actually know: we know that analytical thought and science and math can help us to make better decisions in everything except the question of what truly matters, but we also know that what truly matters is respecting ourselves and others and this kindness within us that knows how to accomplish that.]
….

Or, you know what:

Psilocybin can occasion mystical-type experiences having substantial and sustained personal meaning and spiritual significance

“Results Psilocybin [effective chemical in magic mushrooms] produced a range of acute perceptual
changes, subjective experiences, and labile moods including anxiety. Psilocybin also increased measures of mystical experience. At 2 months, the volunteers rated the psilocybin experience as having substantial personal meaning and spiritual significance and attributed to the experience sustained positive changes in attitudes and behavior consistent with changes rated by community observers.”

So maybe we could just pay for everyone to do mushrooms in a controlled setting. Or perhaps instead of debating whether or not torturing terrorists is legitimate, we should turn our legal and moral attention to the question of whether or not we can force inmates to do mushrooms. OK, not mushrooms but this extract of their hallucinogenic compounds.

But no, that’s no kind of a plan! Oh dear oh dear, where are we going to get a good-enough wisdom meme?!?!

…..

But a wisdom meme is not possible! Not really. And so much trouble has been created by memes that pose as wisdom memes! So this joke is ill-advised? Oh, just let us make the occasional joke !

AMW / BW

….

What is this?
A three essay series called “A New, Improved Manhattan Project”
Part 1: Preliminary Worries
Pt. 2: The Proposal
Pt. 3: Some Tips for the Geniuses

Whatever happened to selling evolving ebooks on the world-wide web?
Well, nothing’s being posted, but the somewhat-begun books are still available:
Love at a Reasonable Price are listed and linked-to here:
Intro to Love at a Reasonable Price
Intro to Diary of an Adamant Lover for sale here:
Buy the Books

We also are still selling cat totes and epistemologically controversial baby onsies:
Buy Cat Totes!
&/or Objectively Cute Baby Onepieces! (advertised here: An ad for an “Objectively Cute” baby wrap

But what are we really up to?
I dunno, Bartleby and Andy are writing something once in a while and then sometimes going back and editing things. I think they’ll go back to the ebooks before too long. We’ll see.

Something Deeperism — Hah!

Something Deeperism — Hah!

It started as a solution to the absurdity of radical skepticism: By accepting whatever notions were making him hold out for some perfect intellectual proof before accepting any doctrines, he was of course accepting the doctrines underlying the acceptance of those notions. The whole thing was just too ridiculous. We always accept some irreducibles: some unprovable basic assumptions about how we should think and act, and at least assuming that our inner directions towards “truer” and “better” are correct allows for thought that isn’t automatically self-defeating (we can’t help but assume those directions, so thought that tries to doubt them is self-refuting and amounts only to looking away from itself, not travelling with itself to its own conclusions, and generally pretending itself away). And it had to be further admitted that without accepting that inner sense that life is meaningful and kindness matters and people matter and that there’s a light within that matters and that tells our ideas and feelings all this (not perfectly, but in a poetry that we had no reason to suppose inadequate), we don’t really believe in any of our ideas or feelings. And so Something Deeperism took hold: it was the needed philosophical solution; and it allowed him to stop going in hopeless circles all day long; and it rebuffed not just radical skepticism, but also his long-time foe fundamentalism (because like radical skepticism, fundamentalism tried to get human thought to be literal at the price of letting ideas and feelings be informed by each individual’s deepest and widest aspect of thought).

But now look at him!

He is stuck with platitudes and with circling in la la land.

Invincible Anti-Weapon

Invincible Anti-Weapon

[Anti-Weapon / New Manhattan Project]

Introductory Ode to the Invincible Anti-Weapon

Because war and strife have been done and done.
We’ll end them with an anti-weapon against which no violence can stand.
I like to be healthy and free, with spending money and time to stroll the lanes and greens.
Or while me awhile on wharfs with freighters spilling over overhead — for example.
And let our minds be beautiful and our art hilarious as God’s patience!

This anti-weapon sucks the hardness out of every heart
without even trying.
We win without moving,
So we can use movement to work the infinite space of creative thought.

No one can resist the ageless, pre-idea, pre-feeling Truth;
It screams within and without each human outline.
No one’s immune. No one!

And thus the anti-weapon advances, claims us all everyone.
No longer cramped and torn in illusions of zero sum me vs you,
we move free on earth as in heaven.

What anti-weapon?
Love?
Yes, but infinite:
a ruthless compassion
whose relentless expansion
is actually just a change of perspective — a turning towards the how-it-is.

Turn me round, let me see. Turn us to see, help us see.
Fill me up. Stand me up straight and tall.
Help me push out from within.
Please!
I don’t want to keep limping along like a wet noodle all the livelong day.

A bright light that laughs merrily, kindly, all is well.
Something like that.
An anti-weapon of great power.

AMW/BW

If you like our essaying, First Essays has a lot of essays.
And of that lot, A Readable Reader has a selection of the most readable ones.

We’d love it if you’d
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[Anti-Weapon / New Manhattan Project]

[NYC Journal – Politics Page]

[Something Deeperism Institute]

[NYC Journal]

Original Version:
Because war and strife have been done and done.
I’ll end them with an anti-weapon against which no violence can stand.
I like to be healthy and free, with spending money and time to stroll the lanes and greens. Or while me awhile on wharfs with freighters spilling over overhead–for example.
And let our minds be beautiful and our art hilarious as god’s patience!
This anti-weapon sucks the hardness out of every heart without even trying. We win without moving; so we can use movement to work the infinite space of creative thought.
No one can resist the ageless, pre-idea, pre-feeling Truth; it screams within and without each human outline. No one’s immune. No one! And thus the anti-weapon advances, claims us all everyone. No longer cramped and torn in illusions of zero sum me vs you, we move free on earth as in heaven.
What anti-weapon?
Love?
Yes, but infinite: a ruthless compassion whose relentless expansion is actually just a change of perspective–a turning towards the how-it-is.
Turn me round, let me see. Turn us to see, help us see.
Fill me up. Stand me up straight and tall. Help me push out from within. Please! I don’t want to keep limping along like a wet noodle all the livelong day.
A bright light that laughs merrily, kindly, all is well. Something like that. An anti-weapon of great power.

AMW / BW

The Hand

The Hand

A very relaxed translation of Guy Maupassant’s “La Main”.

Not yet done. Will it ever be done? I don’t know. I think so.

The old judge with a small round head, and tiny beak nose, and buggy, wrinkly eye-crater eyes looked something like a tortoise. Yes, like a tortoise!–for his shoulders had rounded and humped a little over his neck, which vultured down beneath into the perpetual stoop that had gradually taken him over. And let’s not forget that “eye-crater eyes” is really just another way of saying “tortoise eyes”. To that add in the soft, wrinkly paleness dotted with light brown hash-mark age-spots, and his smiley, relaxed, settling-into-my-shell affable way. Taken as a whole, the old judge–once known as a fiery barrister and something of a dandy (his hands were still small and strangely–for he’d never been heavy–plump)–had actually transformed–at least in a literary, metaphoric way–into a tortoise merrily doggedly craning its neck, beaking a leaf, pulling with squinty-eyes shut until the shrub gave the leaf up, shuddering under the impact of the sudden victory, and with a blinking smile chewing his dinner.

The old judge sat at his wide desk in his mahogany chambers. Three young women (lovers of the law) sat on thick wooden chairs with red velvet seats and backs and lion-leg armrests. Sat up tall and poised in dark pencil skirts, light blouses, white gloves, and colorful thin-wicker hats. The four had just been discussing the particulars of a most unusual case–a crime so apparently perfect that one would’ve said it couldn’t have been committed–were it not for the corpse lain out by the ball of an old fashioned pistol (which pistol naturally had never been located).

One of the ladies, in her melodic flowing-water Caribbean voice, said that if one didn’t know better, one would think the murderer had been a spirit or some other otherworldly vigilante–for though from a physics point of view the crime seemed an impossible one, there were many motives for it, the victim having been pretty much unanimously loathed.

Here the old man’s bushy white tufted eyebrows leaped up and together: “Oh ladies, ladies, ladies! Don’t let’s even hint! Let’s not be so vain as to suppose that merely because we several gathered humans can’t think our way to a scientific solution, one doesn’t exist!” The young woman–with a small flat nose and cheeks that seemed a tad chipmunky beneath her large wide-set eyes but then curved rapidly almost frantically down around a smallish mouth and small, rounded chin–said that of course she meant no such thing. The judge nodded absentmindedly, with his thin lips a little forward and open, his eyes looking thoughtfully up beneath a knitted brow: “Reminds me of another time when I was almost tempted to credit a murder to a ghost.”

Of course the women insisted that he tell the tale, and of course, though it meant postponing a pleasant lunch on the veranda of nearby middle-priced French restaurant (been going there for years–a great place! Do stupendous things with eggs, really stupendous …) he agreed the tale required immediate telling–since the slightest movement might break him out of its spell and so mar it’s telling (not his idea, but his guests’ idea, to which he’d readily agreed with a look of solemn admiration in his old bachelor eyes–not that he’d ever dream!, well, OK, one dreams, one can’t help that, but there’s a difference between that kind of dream and actually dreaming, which wouldn’t be decent or in anyway helpful; may as well dream of being 25 again, but this time not such an idiot–).

It was some time ago now, when I was a young magistrate posted in Ajaccio, right before changing to lawyer and leaving for Paris to make a name for myself, which rash exuberance led me, as you all know, through odd ricochets straight to this great sprawling mess of a city I’ve come to love as my own …

Many years ago–but they dash by quick! You should grab each moment of youth, clutch it to your bosom! The solidity of your bones, the certainty of your muscles, the ecstatic strength of your passions–cherish them all every moment! But that is by the by–one must allow an old man his finger wagging: we scold, partly because we are tiresome and passé, but also partly because in 80 years the shimmering value of life and the moving love it makes possible grows more and more clear, more and more undeniable. But, as I said, that’s by the by …

It was, as I said some time ago, back in Ajaccio, the largest and most important city in Corsica–which means about as much as you’d think it would. Back in Ajaccio then, over a hundred years ago–don’t laugh ladies! as you get older, you’ll understand that time is much weirder than it looks when you’re invincibly young–don’t blush! I know the feeling–but don’t let the fact that a dried old leaf, nearing the final crumble, recalls knowing he’d always be young–don’t let that worry you–too much …

(laughter–he’s sure something, this old M. Bermutier)

Anyway, back then Ajaccio was really just a small town–I hear there’s almost 70,000 people there now!–and me a juge d’instruction–a magistrate responsible for investigating evidence before the trial begins, a dignified bit of bureaucracy that here, our American hopes being more set upon the energy of the pell mell than the safety of the planned-out … But, yes, of course! A balance between the freedom to find your own way and the freedom to not be sloshed into smithereens by chaos and indifference–! … Yes, as you say: in both cases both individual economic and social freedoms are set within something of a safety net–a thing of degrees: we want freedom from tyranny, but great inequality tends towards tyranny and simply living within it is a type of oppression. But, to return:

The town was all aflutter about a new arrival–an Englishman living alone in an old stone villa near that soft blue fluttering gulf that I miss with the sweet hopeless wavering yearning we fools have for tomorrow’s heaven and yesterday’s nostalgia and that, they say and I don’t doubt, the wise have for that blessed sparkling moment called “Now!”, which I fear I miss, though it’s right beneath–and on all sides and through!, if I understand the metaphysics correctly,–my nose. A large, barrel-bodied man of about 40 living alone with a few old domestics he’d hired in Marseille, where the story goes he’d lived a few years before settling with us, a little deeper in the sunlight. … New York–well, here it is cold! But I like where I’m living …

Well this gentleman was a very unusual character: kept to himself; spoke with no one; never came into town–his servant did all the shopping and provided the townspeople with what little information they thought they knew–; was believed to hunt daily in the surrounding nature and to be of humble beginnings but now–at right about his 40th year–in possession of a considerable fortune, the how of which was a complete mystery, and so of course to the village gossips suspicious. I didn’t of course believe the idle speculations, but I did grow curious about this complete stranger who–for now a year or more is elapsed–seemed so determined to remain one to every other inhabitant of our fair isle.

Not knowing any direct route to the recluse, I took to hunting along a rocky grassland overlooking the sea–a choice birding area that he was known to frequent with regularity. It took several months–not wasted time: the view was gorgeous! (in a city like this, one’s mind slowly forgets the spiritual power of truly clean air, but one’s heart always remembers)–but finally I had success: I shot a partridge right over his head and it missed falling on him by about half a foot, which naturally demanded I hurry to him, apologize profusely, and offer him the game. After a momentary head-back gape-mouthed shock, he took it like a stereotypical Englishman and was soon complimenting me on what–judging from where the bird must’ve been and where I must’ve been and the terrain where I would’ve had to take my stand, and the way the sun must’ve shone in my eyes–all mild difficulties which, either by reckless thought or just friendliness, he overestimated (one must remember that in those days men knew how to hunt–I’d trained with a rifle all my life, but was by the standards of that place at that time, merely a fair sportsman)–a tremendously difficult shot. I demurred politely, he would have none of it, and within ten minutes we were fast friends.

As the exchange continued in pleasant banality, I grew more and more incredulous: How could this typical strapping fellow with a love for hearty chit chat that bordered on the blowhard, be our aloof stranger? Surely this was a man that would love to regale the town gentry with tales of his adventures. So why didn’t he talk to anyone? Now that apparent chance had paired him with me, he seemed delighted for the chance to converse–his French was good, too; a little choppy, but on the whole rather eloquent, learned even, though he mostly employed it for discussing hunting: the theory and practice, interspersed with anecdotes from his own remarkably large and varied experience.

His name was John–Sir John, it seems that the humble beginnings tales were inaccurate. I was invited to dinner.

At dinner I carefully turned the topic towards him; if it made him uncomfortable, his long jolly face and tall-toothed English smile was the work of a world-class actor. He said he’d always been an adventurer, had chased game all over the world: Africa, America North and South, India, even been up in Mongolia once looking to take a giant woolly elephant–which he eventually decided must be a myth. Amazing country up there though, he assured me.

Whenever the conversation lulled, I’d turn it back to hunting, and he’d gobble the offering gratefully. He’d had the most amazing adventures hunting elephants, grizzlies, tigers, lions, hippos, giraffes, gorrillas even!

Well, yes, of course! But it wasn’t like that then. In those days, we had an infinite supply of wild animals, and they had no feelings, no trace of consciousness, no divine sense of themselves. They were just mindless savage beasts and killing them was no more cruel than turning of an appliance. Naturally, things are very different now. But rest assured that back then killing large wild animals was not only moral and upstanding, but also remarkably jocular and charming–heroic even, in some cases at least.

Anyway, I said, “All those animals are formidable!”

He smiled, “Oh no, the most dangerous animal by far is man!”

And suddenly he burst out laughing, a deep, wide, booming well-contented English laugh:

“I’ve hunted a lot of men as well.”

He smiled long and thoughtful, his big blue eyes sparkling like the Mediterranean. And then, long rectangular jaw in giant beefsteak fingers, he began to speak pensively, almost plaintively of weapons, and soon we were admiring his vast gun collection.

Black drapery hung by the open windows of his living room, silk drapery embroidered with golden flowers shining like threads of fire in the dark.

He explained: “They’re Japanese drapes–wonderful artisans, the Japanese! A pleasant people–small, but very polite.”

Well, yes, of course–but you see, at that time every individual counted as an example of a racial and cultural type. Now things are of course different and sweeping generalizations unfair and offensive. But in those days reality was quite a bit more blustery and simplified.

C’mon! I’m kidding! I’m making funny jokes and subtle commentary! Ladies! To be sure: A speaker should know his audience, but should an audience not also know its speaker? But, enough hijinks! If I could please continue my faithful recitation of events I did not create and statements I did not make–! Yes, please, let me describe this stone I once dispassionately observed–

Anyway, the room was all wood inlaid panels–like this one here, but much larger. All very fine and impressive–in just that kind of Old World high-class bro way you’d imagine: mounted animal heads, rifles, pistols, sabers, in one corner a full knight’s armor planting a broadsword into its marble stand. You know the genre. But then something shocked my eye: a darkened misshapen something upon a red velvet square atop a white marble museum-style podium–you know: with the grooves. I moved closer to the object; with every step I reconfirmed my first incredible classification: a dark, dehydrated, severed human hand. Ah, but yes it was! And not a skeleton all white and tidy, but a blackened dried-out hand with yellow nails, bits of chord-like musculature showing through the shriveled skin, and dried traces of dirt-brown blood speckling the bone- and muscle-cross-section where–a little ways into the forearm–the hand had been rather roughly severed–as if by a hatchet–from the arm. Around the wrist, a giant iron chain, riveted on either side so that it clamped down crushingly tight, and then, for I suppose good measure, welded into the atrocious limb; and, on the other end, attached to the wall by giant steel ring large and heavy enough to tether an elephant.

I asked: What’s that?

He replied–cool as you like–“He was my worst my worst enemy. An American. I severed it with a curved Tartar sword–in the parlor now, I’ll point it out when you leave–and dried it in the sun for two weeks. The two best weeks of my life!, I can promise you that! Oh, wonderful, wonderful for me, that … victory.”

And he stood there, a great horse of a man in a soft velvet smoking jacket, looking, the back of his pointer finger resting on his large pale lips, wildly at the disgusting stump of some fellow giant (the hand and forearm was even larger than that of my double-vested host) who–I supposed in the wilds of an untamed America–he’d battled and vanquished.

Finally he let his hand fall to his side, and with a pleasant, dignified smile on his Frankenstein face, said “The chain is strong–as it should be! As it must be!”

I wanted to make a joke, to normalize the blackened leathered giant’s hand. I forced a laugh and said that the chain seemed rather superfluous.

“No, it’s always looking to escape–the chain is necessary.”

I shot a glance towards him, trying to read some meaning into those lines delivered so dispassionately, conversationally–with an even-keeled soft voice that you’d think was suggesting that, actually, it is looking a little cloudy outside and it would probably be wise to grab an umbrella. I could read neither agitation nor silliness on his tall broad-jawyed face, with its wide-open baby blues and matter-of-factly clamped lips beneath the then fashionable horse brush mustache.

We moved on into the kitchen and the servant served us warm lager and cucumber sandwhiches–Sir John’s staples, as he explained while we ate our repast at a small round wooden table in the kitchen, overlooking the sea. I had the conceit he would soon poison me, hack off my arm for a trophy, and keep the rest of me buried somewhere beneath the floorboards. But somehow in that moment my understanding of reality buckled and gave way, and I couldn’t really differentiate between that creepy death and simply taking off to stroll back home in the generous Mediterranean sunlight, relax with a bit of light reading, and then meet my fiance for a pleasant evening promenade along a pristine stream beneath the arms of bright-barked trees with pale-green leaves. How very odd it still is to me when I recall that moment! I suppose a fly too exhausted to struggle in a spider’s web and a mouse in the jaws of an adder experience something similar, but I’d never experienced the like before and I hope to never ever–still I have nightmares about that moment when I lost the sense to fear!–know again.

On the other hand, it appears that it was not I, but this invincible Englishman, who had something to fear. After a pleasant meal, the frightful premonition of my imminent demise melted away into a few good-natured beer-burps, not reviving even as, on the way out, I passed three loaded revolvers, each resting on a separate piece of luxurious furniture. No, I walked past the deadly phallics, the sun glinted on the barrels, and my premonition was reborn, but morphed into a clearer, calmer insight: the fellow lived in constant fear of attack, and the worry played cruelly in his genteel sangfroid, cracking him a little, but not dangerously, not for those who knew enough to approach in daylight and to knock loudly and wait for his short, round, lush-tongued manservant to ceremoniously announce and parade one into the home. I returned for several visits. After a time I stopped visiting. We all became accustomed to his presence and forgot him, the way you might forget an old shoe that was still serviceable, but no longer particularly fashionable or comfortable.

The years passed until one morning,end of November, my servant woke me up six in the morning, whispering–with the strange, ineffective politeness that tends to accompany emergency awakenings–that Sir John Rowell had been murdered in the night.

There we all were 6:30 AM of an overcast drizzly morn: the commissioner, chief of police, and myself in our beige trench coats and fedoras, stepping brisk and businesslike into the Englisman’s little bungalow on a hill overlooking the gray bay–a hill decorated with dropping soft-needled pines, sharp-leaved scrub brush, olive-colored exploding-star yuccas, and, on the far side and to the back, a lumpy sprawl of smooth yellow granite. His plumped-prune little valet, disoriented and desperate, balled like helpless child in front of the sturdy castle-door (of oak planks, with an arching top, an iron lattice decoration set in a rectangular frame towards the top and a heavy ironring knocker a bit below that). In the beginning–I don’t know how, since he had the physical strength and cunning of a ball of soft pastel-yellow yarn–I suspected the valet. But he was, of course, as innocent as weakness can be. Who here’s noticed that weakness, like all sins of omission, invariably shares the guilt in this interconnected world’s evils? A show of hands perhaps?

Forgive me, forgive me! Teasing you as I pause the story: a double tease! Malevolent!

We never found the murderer.

Entering Sir John’s tidy, sparse living room, I immediately perceived his large frame, leopard sleeping robe slightly ajar at the bare ankles, lying belly-up in the center of the Egyptian rug. Beautiful rug. Kind of strange, an Egyptian man with a sphinx-like headdress floating a little above a zig-zagging dark line (like a the serrated edge of a saw) and holding hands with his own shadow–which is a dark outline of his own shape, attached to him at the feet, but bent up so it can stand facing him. Sir John had explained it to me once: The dark zig-zag line represents Nu, the dark watery chaos existing since before the before; Atum, the first God–the guy with the headdress in the rug–created himself out of the chaotic void and realized there was no one else there. Out of loneliness he seizes his own shadow and mates with it, and of that unorthodox union come Shu, god of air, and Tefnut, goddess of moisture. The kids wander off to explore the void and Atum sends his messenger the Eye of Ra–not sure how he came to be–to find them. They all return and the first humans are Atum’s tears, shed out of heavenly gladness. The rug doesn’t show all that–just Atum approaching his shadow.

So there he was: Sir John Rowell, trophy-skin robe still tidily shut, black satin sleeping pants only slightly wrinkled, flat on his back, eyes and tongue popping with shock and fear, as if he’d died in the most horrible state. His neck, punctured with five holes as if jabbed by a poker, was red with dried blood. We waited for the physician. A slight, nervous man with round glasses and an excess of sweat drenching his white dress shirt and the back of his dark slacks, and which he wiped constantly from his small gerbil-like face with a frilly handkerchief that I originally assumed belonged to his missus, until learning that he lived alone and spent his evenings composing male on male romance novellas that no one knew anything about until his death. (Well, you know, in those days, such things simply didn’t happen, so if they happened within one, there was nowhere safe to put it–at least not in our part of Corisca.) Within the first minute, he officially pronounced the cause of death “Strangulation!” in his high, intense, narrow-throated voice. But afterwards followed a good ten minutes, mostly spent in brow-wiping reverie, though punctuated with little investigations, mostly centered around the holes on the neck. Finally, he stood up, wiped his now bloody fingers on the same now salty and wet handkerchief–back then not even doctors worried about blood, yes, I am old!–and said, in a voice slower, deeper, quieter, deliberate like a girl stringing flowers on a thread: “One would say that he’d been strangled by a skeleton.”

A shiver ran through my spine, and slowly, reluctantly, wishing for an excuse to not, I turned to the spot on the wall where the once that blackened, skinned, disgusting hand had hung in stout iron chains. It was no longer there. The black chain, several links shorter, hung–it truly seemed to me at the time–dejected defeat.

Alors je me baissai vers le mort, et je trouvai dans
[15] sa bouche crispée un des doigts de cette main disparue,
coupé ou plutôt scié par les dents juste à la deuxième
phalange.

Puis on procéda aux constatations. On ne découvrit
rien. Aucune porte n’avait été forcée, aucune fenêtre,
[20] aucun meuble. Les deux chiens de garde ne s’étaient pas
réveillés.

oici, en quelques mots, la déposition du domestique:

Depuis un mois, son maître semblait agité. Il avait reçu
beaucoup de lettres, brûlées à mesure.

[25] Souvent, prenant une cravache, dans une colère qui
semblait de la démence, il avait frappé avec fureur cette
main séchée, scellée au mur et enlevée, on ne sait comment,
à l’heure même du crime.

Il se couchait fort tard et s’enfermait avec soin. Il
[30] avait toujours des armes à portée du bras. Souvent, la
nuit, il parlait haut, comme s’il se fût querellé avec quelqu’un.

Cette nuit-là, par hasard, il n’avait fait aucun bruit, et
c’est seulement en venant ouvrir les fenêtres que le serviteur
avait trouvé sir John assassiné. Il ne soupçonnait
personne.

[5] Je communiquai ce que je savais du mort aux magistrats
et aux officiers de la force publique, et on fit dans toute
l’île une enquête minutieuse. On ne découvrit rien.

Or, une nuit, trois mois après le crime, j’eus un affreux
cauchemar. Il me sembla que je voyais la main, l’horrible
[10] main, courir comme un scorpion ou comme une araignée le
long de mes rideaux et de mes murs. Trois fois, je me réveillai,
trois fois je me rendormis, trois fois je revis le
hideux débris galoper autour de ma chambre en remuant
les doigts comme des pattes.

[15] Le lendemain, on me l’apporta, trouvé dans le cimetière,
sur la tombe de sir John Rowell, enterré là; car on
n’avait pu découvrir sa famille. L’index manquait.

Voilà, mesdames, mon histoire.. Je ne sais rien de plus.

LA MAIN

On faisait cercle autour de M. Bermutier, juge d’instruction,
qui donnait son avis sur l’affaire mystérieuse
de Saint-Cloud. Depuis un mois, cet inexplicable crime
affolait Paris. Personne n’y comprenait rien.

[5] M. Bermutier, debout, le dos à la cheminée, parlait,
assemblait les preuves, discutait les diverses opinions,
mais ne concluait pas.

Plusieurs femmes s’étaient levées pour s’approcher et
demeuraient debout, l’oeil fixé sur la bouche rasée du
[10] magistrat d’où sortaient les paroles graves. Elles frissonnaient,
vibraient, crispées par leur peur curieuse, par
l’avide et insatiable besoin d’épouvante qui hante leur
âme, les torture comme une faim.

Une d’elles, plus pâle que les autres, prononça pendant
[15] un silence:

–C’est affreux. Cela touche au «surnaturel.» On ne
saura jamais rien.

Le magistrat se tourna vers elle:

–Oui, madame, il est probable qu’on ne saura jamais
[20] rien. Quant au mot surnaturel que vous venez d’employer,
il n’a rien à faire ici. Nous sommes en présence
d’un crime fort habilement conçu, fort habilement exécuté,
si bien enveloppé de mystère que nous ne pouvons
le dégager des circonstances impénétrables qui l’entourent.
[25] Mais j’ai eu, moi, autrefois, à suivre une affaire o

vraiment semblait se mêler quelque chose de fantastique. Il
a fallu l’abandonner d’ailleurs, faute de moyens de
l’éclaircir.

Plusieurs femmes prononcèrent en même temps, si vite
[5] que leurs voix n’en firent qu’une:

–Oh! dites-nous cela.

M. Bermutier sourit gravement, comme doit sourire un
juge d’instruction. Il reprit:

–N’allez pas croire, au moins, que j’aie pu, même un
[10] instant, supposer en cette aventure quelque chose de
surhumain. Je ne crois qu’aux causes normales. Mais
si, au lieu d’employer le mot «surnaturel» pour exprimer
ce que nous ne comprenons pas, nous nous servions simplement
du mot «inexplicable,» cela vaudrait beaucoup mieux.
[15] En tout cas, dans l’affaire que je vais vous dire, ce sont
surtout les circonstances environnantes, les circonstances
préparatoires qui m’ont ému. Enfin, voici les faits:

J’étais alors juge d’instruction à Ajaccio, une petite
ville blanche, couchée au bord d’un admirable golfe
[20] qu’entourent partout de hautes montagnes.

Ce que j’avais surtout à poursuivre là-bas, c’étaient les
affaires de vendetta. Il y en a de superbes, de dramatiques
au possible, de féroces, d’héroïques. Nous retrouvons là
les plus beaux sujets de vengeance qu’on puisse rêver, les
[25] haines séculaires, apaisées un moment, jamais éteintes,
les ruses abominables, les assassinats devenant des massacres
et presque des actions glorieuses. Depuis deux
ans, je n’entendais parler que du prix du sang, que de ce
terrible préjugé corse qui force à venger toute injure sur
la personne qui l’a faite, sur ses descendants et ses proches.
J’avais vu égorger des vieillards, des enfants, des cousins,
j’avais la tête pleine de ces histoires.

Or, j’appris un jour qu’un Anglais venait de louer pour
plusieurs années une petite villa au fond du golfe. Il
avait amené avec lui un domestique français, pris à Marseille
en passant.

[5] Bientôt tout le monde s’occupa de ce personnage singulier,
qui vivait seul dans sa demeure, ne sortant que pour
chasser et pour pêcher. Il ne parlait à personne, ne venait
jamais à la ville, et, chaque matin, s’exerçait pendant une
heure ou deux, à tirer au pistolet et à la carabine.

[10] Des légendes se firent autour de lui. On prétendit que
c’était un haut personnage fuyant sa patrie pour des
raisons politiques; puis on affirma qu’il se cachait après
avoir commis un crime épouvantable. On citait même
des circonstances particulièrement horribles.

[15] Je voulus, en ma qualité de juge d’instruction, prendre
quelques renseignements sur cet homme; mais il me fut
impossible de rien apprendre. Il se faisait appeler sir
John Rowell.

Je me contentai donc de le surveiller de près; mais on
[20] ne me signalait, en réalité, rien de suspect à son égard.

Cependant, comme les rumeurs sur son compte continuaient,
grossissaient, devenaient générales, je résolus
d’essayer de voir moi-même cet étranger, et je me mis à
chasser régulièrement dans les environs de sa propriété.

[25] J’attendis longtemps une occasion. Elle se présenta
enfin sous la forme d’une perdrix que je tirai et que je tuai
devant le nez de l’Anglais. Mon chien me la rapporta;
mais, prenant aussitôt le gibier, j’allai m’excuser de mon
inconvenance et prier sir John Rowell d’accepter l’oiseau
[30] mort.

C’était un grand homme à cheveux rouges, à barbe
rouge, très haut, très large, une sorte d’hercule placide e

poli. Il n’avait rien de la raideur dite britannique et il
me remercia vivement de ma délicatesse en un français
accentué d’ outre-Manche. Au bout d’un mois, nous
avions causé ensemble cinq ou six fois.

[5] Un soir enfin, comme je passais devant sa porte, je
l’aperçus qui fumait sa pipe, à cheval sur une chaise dans
son jardin. Je le saluai, et il m’invita à entrer pour boire
un verre de bière. Je ne me le fis pas répéter.

Il me reçut avec toute la méticuleuse courtoisie anglaise,
[10] parla avec éloge de la France, de la Corse, déclara qu’il
aimait beaucoup cette pays, et cette rivage.

Alors je lui posai, avec de grandes précautions et sous la
forme d’un intérêt très vif, quelques questions sur sa vie,
sur ses projets. Il répondit sans embarras, me raconta
[15] qu’il avait beaucoup voyagé, en Afrique, dans les Indes,
en Amérique. Il ajouta en riant:

–J’avé eu bôcoup d’aventures, oh! yes.

Puis je me remis à parler chasse, et il me donna des
détails les plus curieux sur la chasse à l’hippopotame, au
[20] tigre, à l’éléphant et même la chasse au gorille.

Je dis:

–Tous ces animaux sont redoutables.

Il sourit:

–Oh! nô, le plus mauvais c’été l’homme.

[25] Il se mit à rire tout à fait, d’un bon rire de gros Anglais
content:

–J’avé beaucoup chassé l’homme aussi.

Puis il parla d’armes, et il m’offrit d’entrer chez lui
pour me montrer des fusils de divers systèmes.

[30] Son salon était tendu de noir, de soie noire brodée d’or.
De grandes fleurs jaunes couraient sur l’étoffe sombre,
brillaient comme du feu

Il annonça:

–C’été une drap japonaise.

Mais, au milieu du plus large panneau, une chose étrange
me tira l’oeil. Sur un carré de velours rouge, un objet
[5] noir se détachait. Je m’approchai: c’était une main, une
main d’homme. Non pas une main de squelette, blanche
et propre, mais une main noire desséchée, avec les ongles
jaunes, les muscles à nu et des traces de sang ancien, de
sang pareil à une crasse, sur les os coupés net, comme
[10] d’un coup de hache, vers le milieu de l’avant-bras.

Autour du poignet, une énorme chaine de fer, rivée,
soudée à ce membre malpropre, l’attachait au mur par
un anneau assez fort pour tenir un éléphant en laisse.

Je demandai:

[15]–Qu’est-ce que cela?

L’Anglais répondit tranquillement:

–C’été ma meilleur ennemi. Il vené d’Amérique. Il
avé été fendu avec le sabre et arraché la peau avec une
caillou coupante, et séché dans le soleil pendant huit
[20] jours. Aoh, très bonne pour moi, cette.

Je touchai ce débris humain qui avait dû appartenir
à un colosse. Les doigts, démesurément longs, étaient
attachés par des tendons énormes que retenaient des
lanières de peau par places. Cette main était affreuse à
[25] voir, écorchée ainsi, elle faisait penser naturellement à
quelque vengeance de sauvage.

Je dis:

–Cet homme devait être très fort.

L’Anglais prononça avec douceur:

[30]–Aoh yes; mais je été plus fort que lui. J’avé mis
cette chaine pour le tenir.

Je crus qu’il plaisantait. Je dis:

–Cette chaine maintenant est bien inutile, la main ne
se sauvera pas.

Sir John Rowell reprit gravement:

–Elle voulé toujours s’en aller. Cette chaine été
[5] nécessaire.

D’un coup d’oeil rapide j’interrogeai son visage, me
demandant:

–Est-ce un fou, ou un mauvais plaisant?

Mais la figure demeurait impénétrable, tranquille et
[10] bienveillante. Je parlai d’autre chose et j’admirai les
fusils.

Je remarquai cependant que trois revolvers chargés
étaient posés sur les meubles, comme si cet homme eût
vécu dans la crainte constante d’une attaque. Je revins
[15] plusieurs fois chez lui. Puis je n’y allai plus. On s’était
accoutumé à sa présence; il était devenu indifférent à tous.

Une année entière s’écoula. Or un matin, vers la fin de
novembre, mon domestique me réveilla en m’annonçant
que sir John Rowell avait été assassiné dans la nuit.

[20] Une demi-heure plus tard, je pénétrais dans la maison
de l’Anglais avec le commissaire central et le capitaine
de gendarmerie. Le valet, éperdu et désespéré, pleurait
devant la porte. Je soupçonnai d’abord cet homme, mais
il était innocent.

[25] On ne put jamais trouver le coupable.
En entrant dans le salon de sir John, j’aperçus du premier
coup d’oeil le cadavre étendu sur le dos, au milieu
de la pièce.

Le gilet était déchiré, une manche arrachée pendait,
tout annonçait qu’une lutte terrible avait eu lieu

L’Anglais était mort étranglé! Sa figure noire et gonflée,
effrayante, semblait exprimer une épouvante abominable;
il tenait entre ses dents serrées quelque chose; et
le cou, percé de cinq trous qu’on aurait dit faits avec des
[5] pointes de fer, était couvert de sang.

Un médecin nous rejoignit. Il examina longtemps les
traces des doigts dans la chair et prononça ces étranges
paroles:

–On dirait qu’il a été étranglé par un squelette.

[10] Un frisson me passa dans le dos, et je jetai les yeux
sur le mur, à la place où j’avais vu jadis l’horrible main
d’écorché. Elle n’y était plus. La chaine, brisée,
pendait.

Alors je me baissai vers le mort, et je trouvai dans
[15] sa bouche crispée un des doigts de cette main disparue,
coupé ou plutôt scié par les dents juste à la deuxième
phalange.

Puis on procéda aux constatations. On ne découvrit
rien. Aucune porte n’avait été forcée, aucune fenêtre,
[20] aucun meuble. Les deux chiens de garde ne s’étaient pas
réveillés.

Voici, en quelques mots, la déposition du domestique:

Depuis un mois, son maître semblait agité. Il avait reçu
beaucoup de lettres, brûlées à mesure.

[25] Souvent, prenant une cravache, dans une colère qui
semblait de la démence, il avait frappé avec fureur cette
main séchée, scellée au mur et enlevée, on ne sait comment,
à l’heure même du crime.

Il se couchait fort tard et s’enfermait avec soin. Il
[30] avait toujours des armes à portée du bras. Souvent, la
nuit, il parlait haut, comme s’il se fût querellé avec quelqu’un.

Cette nuit-là, par hasard, il n’avait fait aucun bruit, et
c’est seulement en venant ouvrir les fenêtres que le serviteur
avait trouvé sir John assassiné. Il ne soupçonnait
personne.

[5] Je communiquai ce que je savais du mort aux magistrats
et aux officiers de la force publique, et on fit dans toute
l’île une enquête minutieuse. On ne découvrit rien.

Or, une nuit, trois mois après le crime, j’eus un affreux
cauchemar. Il me sembla que je voyais la main, l’horrible
[10] main, courir comme un scorpion ou comme une araignée le
long de mes rideaux et de mes murs. Trois fois, je me réveillai,
trois fois je me rendormis, trois fois je revis le
hideux débris galoper autour de ma chambre en remuant
les doigts comme des pattes.

[15] Le lendemain, on me l’apporta, trouvé dans le cimetière,
sur la tombe de sir John Rowell, enterré là; car on
n’avait pu découvrir sa famille. L’index manquait.

Voilà, mesdames, mon histoire.. Je ne sais rien de plus.

Les femmes, éperdues, étaient pâles, frissonnantes.

[20] Une d’elles s’écria:

–Mais ce n’est pas un dénouement cela, ni une explication!
Nous n’allons pas dormir si vous ne nous dites
pas ce qui s’était passé, selon vous.

Le magistrat sourit avec sévérité:

[25]–Oh! moi, mesdames, je vais gâter, certes, vos rêves
terribles. Je pense tout simplement que le légitime propriétaire
de la main n’était pas mort, qu’il est venu la
chercher avec celle qui lui restait. Mais je n’ai pu savoir
comment il a fait, par exemple. C’est là une sorte de
[30] vendetta.

Une des femmes murmura:

–Non, ça ne doit pas être ainsi.

Et le juge d’instruction, souriant toujours, conclut:

–Je vous avais bien dit que mon explication ne vous
[5] irait pas.

Soap Coasters: A product whose time has come

Soap Coasters: A product whose time has come

Are you sick of coasters that leave behind no soapy residue, so completely disappearing from absented surfaces that you’d scarcely believe they’d ever been there?

Are you sick and tired with household conveniences that would–in their audacity to outlive their makers and masters–play God at the expense of mortals and our concerns? Do you accordingly long for a coaster that will gently dissolve beneath sweating beverages and melt into a permanent disfiguration beneath the summer sun? Wouldn’t it feel great to trade in coasters that–as wood and now even more tactlessly as rubber–coast arrogantly through generations and generations of hard-working human beings for coasters that new their place as lowly subplots to the human drama?

Finally, are you exasperated with how unsuitable most coasters are for hand-washing? Do you agree that the average coaster’s mindset seems to be set back in the dark ages, before the discovery of germs–a discovery which, by revolutionizing medical science and cultural conventions, has made us both safer and, in our own words, “less icky”?

Or then again and once more round the bend: Do you long for the ability to take a stack of soft, easily crumbled coasters and, with a little hot water, meld them together into a long cylinder full of fault-lines that make its sheer strength amazingly low?

If you answered “Yes!” to any of those questions, or if you’re simply eager to slip your thought beneath an overwhelming impracticality for the sake of the absurd snake-charming charm that is the essence of novelty products, then you will agree that drink coasters made of soap is a product whose time has come–is actually long overdue, having in fact been needed as long as skipping stones and opposite-days have been.

But who would dare? What enterprise would rouse themselves to the challenge? What business interest would accept the challenge to create, brand, and profitably unload a physicalized lark of this degree?

Wandering Albatross Press would!

Yes, we would. We just might, so sit tight.

St Patrick’s Day

St Patrick’s Day

On the subway, in a blue dress shirt and black cotton slacks, a youngish man sits up straight, gathering himself together. It is a little after 5pm, so I guess he’s leaving work. He sits up straight with his eyes shut and his hands on his thighs, composing himself. The train is not crowded; it heads from downtown Brooklyn to Manhattan. Directly across from this short-haired, square-jawed, square-glasses white man (with a dab of peachy tan in his complexion), a Hispanic tween sleeps against her mother, both in dark coats and slacks, with black hair, cream-tan, flat heart-shaped faces, small noses–reminding the white guy of native South Americans. Next to the mother sits a white man with short hair bleached in the front, dark in the back, and combed forward fitting close to his skull like painted lines. He wears tight-fitting black jeans and a dark gray (faded black?) leather jacket opened, revealing a shirt forgotten by your narrator. His complexion is pretty pale with a touch of ruddy and looks a little dry and weathered; his head–though of an average size and thus no “helmet head” is shaped a little like a helmet; his nose rounds around like a falcon’s beak; eyes set in hollows. 40ish? A black bookbag between his legs. Black leather high top Doc Martins laced only at the bottom (not the uppers, which flap open jocularly). Dark red-painted fingernails; an earring that is a short, thin silver chain from which a few smaller, short silver chains dangle–so something like a silver elephant tail, but smaller and without the magic powers inherent in such fantastical charms. Next to him, clamoring on the steel tubing handrail/guard that separates the end of the plastic subway bench from the doorway, is a small girl. She’s maybe four years old. Thin, wiry, with reddish hair braided in two pinktails and garnished with blue fabric flowers; sporting thick-framed clear plastic reddish framed glasses; in green sweats with long pockets and a light red coat made of a series of plush burial-mounds wrapped in tent-material (a common enough coat nowadays, reminds me a bit of a Samurai’s wood-plate armor). The man who now sits straight and meditates to himself had looked with arched eye and pursed lip at the dangerous fun of the four year old, but then decided to ignore matters that don’t involve him and that are probably not really super dangerous. But the man speaks and the blue-shirted observer listens:

“Der rote Mann da–siehst du? Er tut genau wie du, und daneben sagt es, dass es verboten ist.” [“The red man there–see it? He’s doing what you’re doing, and next to it it says that it’s not allowed.”]

“Was? Welcher Mann?” Twisting her torso and head around while still woven through the tubular guardrail. “Der rote Mann–gerade da (pointing, leaning into his shoulder like it is a rifle that he’s siting). Er macht genau wie du, und daneben steht, dass es verboten ist.” [“The red man–right there. He’s doing just what you’re doing, and next to it it says it’s not allowed.”]

After a few more twists and questions, the child climbs down and sits next to her father, saying “Und was sagt jener, Papi, was sagt jener?” [“and what says that one, daddy, what says that one?”] while leaning like a vine on a trellis against the guardrail/seat-end. The man explains the posters that line the top of the subway car across from him and his young daughter. One says (and he demonstrates by opening his legs wide and then bringing them together, and concludes by acquiescing to the law and taking his bookbag–which he had strung between his open legs in this uncrowded subway car–up onto his lap, which he makes small) “du sollst nicht so sitzen–da nimmst du zu viel Platz; du sollst lieber wieso sitzen.” [“You shouldn’t sit like this–when you do you take up too much space; you should sit like this instead.”] “Zu viel Platz nehmen? Platz nehmen?” [“Taking up too much space? Taking up space?”] echoes the urchin. And so on, with several other signs–these signs you see where the people are outlined blockish figures behaving a little impolitely in the subway and that all come with gentle reminders and calls-to-action for subway decorum, for common human decency, for give and take, compromise, and the communal spirit. At some point the kid climbs back up and kicks her leg back like a dancer so that her small pink leather hightop sneak bumps into her dad’s arms: “So macht der rote Mann”. [“That’s what the red man is doing.”] This red man, for those who have not spent much time studying the subway etiquette cartoons, is spinning around the center pole with his leg out, and beneath it the MTA admonishes: “Poles are for safety, not your latest routine. Hold the pole, not our attention. A subway is no place for showtime.” The sign addresses this safety issue: kids and young teens sometimes do dance routines to hip hop music in the subway cars, spinning around the center poles, hanging from the ceiling poles like bats, and otherwise putting the public at risk; before they make the young man in the blue dress shirt shudder with unease, these young hustler-performers gamely proclaim: “Showtime! Showtime! Put your hands together people, it’s showtime!”

The man in blue, who speaks German but only for fun, exits at 2nd Avenue. He’s meeting his girlfriend to see “Anomalisa” at the Landmark Cinema. She’s told him that this is its last night, and so they have to go. So here he is, on Houston, near Forsyth, drinking a happy hour malbec and jotting down what he recently observed.

AMW / BW

Accuracy: somewhat.

The Evil Lingering Here

The Evil Lingering Here

He was a child of his times–
and who can stand completely above his time?
It was a child’s game–
and who are we to judge?
Ah me, oh my–
I’m getting older.

These smooth river pebbles
testify loud and clear, call him by name.
The droop and drip-drop of this plywood ceiling
and the rotten plywood flooring
where a soft, well-arched beginner’s foot
fell splintering through–
they testify against his heart,
drag ‘im undertow down
to the red-brick, oak-plank
gallows
centered in the cobblestone,
green-benched town square.

I’ll help him
meet his maker!
I’ll fight for his right
to sail up
gizzardfirst
into the morning light.

Children, children, watch your elder,
mind my wobbly bow-legged step,
mind my crooked, o’er-knobbed staff
grinding sharp thuds into stone
and slipping soft gooshes into the cracks
overgrown with moss
cobwebbing these hefty pavers.

Mind my thought, mind my spitting speech
and dogged, screwed-up topmost eye!
Mind you not follow him
down the path that leads
to that putrid, self-defacing
sun salute!

Mind my wisdom.

Evil lingers here.
It drips like dewdrop-scattered light
off the beautiful, peach-soft,
taut cantaloping,
sweet, shadow-groving
young, bright-eyed women.

Evil keeps home here.
It fumes–
a green, cadaverous
spreading, cool, stale
smoke–
around the sturdy thighs,
and nut-cracking biceps,
of these thick-necked,
loud-laughing
lossless adventure lads.

It works its way into the clever calculations,
the industrious organizations,
the perfumy poesie
of science, business, art. .

It infects the whole,
which rots from the inside out
puking itself out onto the ground
like a long-gone pumpkin
that, after months of sag slouch twist,
finally spills its guts.

We’ve built such mighty,
such complicated,
such ornate
structures!

Atop this rancid crime.

Terrible!
Makes one shudder and shake
to suppose, to merely suggest!

And yet this too,
this evil too pleases us,
rubs our belly,
excites our thick, bored, boxy nerves.
We love to shake our heads,
cluck our tongues,
wiggle in disgust like pigs
pink, with fine white hairs,
jiggling in anticipation
when some generous leather hand
fills the trough.

BW / AMW

Was kann ich dafuer?

Was kann ich dafuer?

Ich kann nichts dafuer.
Ich kann nichts dagegen.
Es soll an mir nicht liegen.
Es ist nicht meine Schuld.
Ich habe es nicht getan,
wuerde sowas nie tun–
koennte es nicht einmal wollen.

Reiner Zufall, reiner Zufall,
dass das Schlimme und meine Taetigkeit
zusammen zu finden sind.

Es tut mir Leid,
echt Leid,
soviel Leid.

Man muss sich daran erinnern,
man muss zuruekdenken,
man muss nach der verschwundenen Zeit greifen,
um es zurueck zubekommen.
Auch wenn es zu spaet ist–
man weiss nie!–,
ist es vielleicht nicht zu spaet–
also wuerde ich erraten,
energisch danach zu ergreifen.

Naja.

Ich spazierte allein in Le Havre.
Nacht.
Hatte vor, das Englisch sprechende Ich
zu toeten.
Also fand ich mich in Le Havre
ganz allein,
spaziergehen im Stadtpark in der sommerlichen Daemmerung.

Auch ging ich–
am hellichten Tag–
schwimmen.
Ja!
In Le Havre.

Grosse Frachtschiffe rings herum;
und danach,
Kaltwasser tropfend,
Flying Saucer Rundsteine
unter meinen Fuessen,
ging ich an das Strandhaeuschenrestaurant
wo ich eine Pizza mit einem Spiegelei
bestellt und gegessesn habe.

Ich vermisse jeden Augenblick.

AMW / BW