I recall from my youth a long-standing disagreement between boys and girls over who was going to Mars to eat candy bars and who was going to Jupiter to get more stupider. To hear the boys tell it, the girls visit Jupiter and the boys Mars. According to the girls, the situation was reversed.

I would like to now propose a radical new interpretation of this eternal debate. It hinges upon the consequences of gorging oneself on candy bars. Does not one’s body, mind, yea! even heart become progressively more sluggish, confused, and generally stupider? Could it be that the living conditions are exactly the same on both Mars and Jupiter, with the only difference in the two descriptions being which aspect of those identical circumstances one chooses to highlight?

Here I propose a fuller version of the song, revealing the erstwhile hidden logics:

“The opposite gender of the singer goes to Mars where they eat a lot of candy bars and consequently get stupider; the gender of the singer goes to Jupiter where they eat a lot of candy bars and consequently get stupider; everyone returns to earth bloated and incoherent, and then they have a confused conversation about who frequents the better locale, although the locales — though separated by a distance of 342,012,346 miles — are functionally equivalent.”

I hope that by clarifying this classic taunt, future generations of children will have more enlightening conversations about planetary travel and that the end result will be less candy bar consumption and more virtue all around. To that end, let me make one more lyrical suggestion: “Y’all find Mars and contemplate the stars; we’re off to Jupiter to do likewise; let’s all grow less stupider — you on Mars and us on Jupiter. Then we’ll meet us back here to share good cheer!”

Author: Pigeon Taube
Editors: BW/AW
Copyright: AMW