I’m curious about this

You breathe the air in all the way
Feel it fill the hollow between sex and buttocks
and then all up along the spinal column
fill up your thorax you gross pale under-log grub
And with the air, invite the air in

Hold the breathe and expand your thorax
the whole hollow tube from sit through abdomen, neck, head, out through the crown
Filled with breathe and Light
Playing around with the Light — moving It here and there
trying to open up all the nooks to It

And then that goddamn Hurt!
Locking you down from belly through sex
Can’t open!
Can’t let the Light in!
Find the line through the center of your conscious space
and push out from within
exploding everything outward
A moment’s respite?
Enough of an opening for a reasonable influx of new Light to enter?

What is God?
What is Light?
What is consciousness?
I’m getting older
And I’ve lost the thread
I’m getting bolder
laying there in soft bed
I’m growing gone
having lost some song

What is God?
What is Light?
What is consciousness?
How to push out from within until the Light inside and outside flow seamlessly into each other?
Is God the same as Light and Dharmakaya Buddha and Atman?
Or is it more complicated than that?

Is consciousness a white light? All frequencies at once that thoughts can somehow adhere in?
And that the spiritual Light also self-awaredly occupies, allowing for true freedom via bending our animal hoots and hollers to the Light’s Way, which is caused not by the last thump and bump of some mindless causal chain, but by It’s own Nature???

How does consciousness function?
It seems to be an arena where thoughts can meet in 3-D
Maybe without consciousness, thoughts can only bump into the ones near them and only in a linear way; but with consciousness, all the aspect’s of one’s feeling/ideating can project their considerations into a shared space, allowing for a wider and more complex conversation between different parts of one’s feeling/ideating.
And then of course, the Light shines through everything, including consciousness, and so a conscious space allows feelings and ideas to perceive that the background of everything is actually Compassionate Joy, and this perception changes them as surely as scooping a thug out of a dirty deal and setting him in a peaceful quiet field where violence is neither possible nor useful will change him.

Why am I here?
I feel lonely
I push out from within and catch a moment of peace
but then the rubble implodes around me again
and I say, “damn it! I’m failing!”

I am aware of what?
What I see, feel, smell, hear
An inner space and the twists and turns of emotions — reactions-to
An inner space and the back and forth of ideas and emotions struggling for dominance
There is the hurt in my pit that’s gotten louder the more I’ve entered into my body/mind
Before it tricked me and kept me from myself while hiding
Now I see it; but I don’t know what to say to it
I feel sorry for it
I’m frustrated with it
I’m confused by it
It is very hurt and doesn’t want to talk
It is very hurt and doesn’t want anyone to enter
It is very hurt and distrustful
But surely it still trusts the Light?
Surely it still trusts what is only Good?
Surely!
So why won’t it open up and let the Light in?

Alcohol abuse
For what?
A break from what?
The hurt doesn’t care how drunk you get
The hurt is going to scream and flail about and carry on all day long no matter what you do
So what’s the wine for?

Remember when I made that cassette?
With me monologuing extemporaneous
Somehow it was on the backside of a tape I lent to the girl from the Heidelberg dorm
She was like, “Oh!”
I forget what I said on it; I don’t know where it’s gone to
I remember only this:
“someday I’m going to tell everyone what it’s like to be really lonely”
Or something like that.

I’ve tried to tell people here and there
about the hurt
and how I can’t do it forever
how I need another angle
how it blares and won’t let up
how it is actually nothing at all and has nothing to do with me
and yet somehow has had such a big role in what I’ve said and done for so long

No one wants to know
and me neither
so you think
well, huh
ok
never mind
never mind
the water is turning the wheel
the water is flat and rippling
the gods are bowling and that’s “thunder”
up on the misty mountaintops
where a young boy,
pretending to not hear his worried-angry uncle
will wander up and up through the lumping crooked teeth
past a small bush swarmed by a million red ants
on and on
further and further into thin air

You don’t know what the Light is
You don’t know what God is
You don’t know what consciousness is
You don’t know where the hurt comes from
You can freewrite all day long
and still you’ll not know shit
You can drink all day long
and still you’ll not know shit
You can waste every spare moment
clutching at waterfalls
and still you’ll know only nothin much

Author: harumph
editors: BW/AW
copyright (like anyone would want to steal this!): AMW