It takes a while to stop a rig running down the hill
It hurts a while being gutted by a curving fish knife
so that your innards plop out onto the bright clean white-tan square-cornered concrete
with little flecks of smashed glass glinting the summer sun every which way

I’m really sorry, though I can’t quite remember anymore what for
I feel sleepy like a small child unable to keep his eyes open
on a grungy old matted light green carpet in front of a giant wooden TV like we had as the 70s gave way to the 80s
Why didn’t anyone put him to bed?
And now one side of his faces smooshes into the rug — his open mouth drools on the dusty carpet with its squished-down swirling (like a battered toupee)
And so asleep he mindlessly breaths and drinks in that icky old rug
Someone should’ve put him to bed long ago!

I meant the nice parts
Or at least I wanted to
more than I ever wanted to do anything
which I think counts as love
for humans mortals creatures

I’m sorry but mostly just sad
to say goodbye like this

I had wanted to know you
I will go now
I will pick up the sleeping child
and put him in his cozy bed (though admittedly not shaped and decorated like a race car, as is one of his friend’s)
And then go back to the living room and turn off the giant wooden box with built-in side speakers
Then I’ll go over to the kitchen, in linoleum, yellow swirling vaguely flower patterns, all the plastic countertops held in place with grooved metal edges. I will turn on the overhead light. I will not turn on the little black and white TV (all in black and white plastic; a small screen, but still a pretty big butt). I will sit at the kitchen table where we have grilled cheese sandwiches with Campbells tomato soup while watching Charlie Chan on the little black and white TV. I will sit there and write a little note that says I’m sorry it came out wrong, that I didn’t just tell you that I always wished to really get to know you, and then stop! and let you decide how to respond, and that now I’ll be off and I wish you the best and goodbye for now

I love you
I don’t know why
I don’t know if I could be who you need
It would’ve been best just to tell you the first part; the other two parts are understood anyway

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